Parenting Classes by Micaela

I decided I'm starting my own business, Parenting Classes: Toddler and Preschool Years. For my low fee of $2000, I will live in your house for a week and show you what you really need to do to prepare yourself for parenthood.

Classes will includes a number of activities including but not limited to

• waking you up every day two hours before you want to get up
• waking you up at least once in the middle of the night
• throwing your phone down the toilet (if I'm feeling particularly mean) or at least hiding it somewhere in the house where you won't find it for several years (if I'm feeling generous)
• telling you what I want to eat and then throwing a tantrum when you bring me what I ask for
• throwing a tantrum because you did not give me the plate/cup/silverware I wanted
• throwing a tantrum because you did give me the plate/cup/silverware I wanted but now I see a different one and I want it
• arguing with you for half an hour about which shoes and jacket I am putting on
• running into the street cackling my head off the second you turn you back
• straightening and stiffening my body into an immovable log shape when you try to put me in my car seat
• either being silent and making you listen to kiddie music or letting you listen to your music while either screaming or asking questions nonstop
• Taking chocolate icing (we will pretend it's poop) and smearing it all over my body, bed, walls, and floor. And I will pick the day of the week that is most important for you to be on time for work.
• telling you which books I want for bedtime and then throwing a tantrum when you read me the books I requested
• making you be paranoid about getting more than two or three showers that week because you know I will start emptying all your nail polish bottles/eating toothpaste/digging my nails through all your makeup if you attempt to shower and watch me at the same time
• wiping my snot on your freshly dry cleaned clothes as you head out the door
• leaving wet spots on the floor and letting you guess if it's water or urine 
• leaving poop (or chocolate icing) on the floor where you won't find it for several days
• stuffing a half-eaten banana in between the couch cushions
• hiding your toothbrush/brush/other hygiene tool that you need the most that day (I will also pick the most important day of the week for this)
• hiding your keys in my toybox
• following you around the house while whining incessantly about nothing
• picking one question and asking you at least one hundred times that week
• wearing you down to the point that you use the TV as a babysitter, after you swore up and down that you would never be one of those horrible, lazy parents who use the TV as a babysitter
• hiding in the pantry and eating your favorite junk food
• standing in the bathroom enthusiastically emptying the soap dispenser on my body while you use the bathroom
• standing outside the bathroom door screaming as if I'm being murdered while you use the bathroom
• sneaking out the front door while you use the bathroom