Parenting Classes by Micaela

I decided I'm starting my own business, Parenting Classes: Toddler and Preschool Years. For my low fee of $2000, I will live in your house for a week and show you what you really need to do to prepare yourself for parenthood.

Classes will includes a number of activities including but not limited to

• waking you up every day two hours before you want to get up
• waking you up at least once in the middle of the night
• throwing your phone down the toilet (if I'm feeling particularly mean) or at least hiding it somewhere in the house where you won't find it for several years (if I'm feeling generous)
• telling you what I want to eat and then throwing a tantrum when you bring me what I ask for
• throwing a tantrum because you did not give me the plate/cup/silverware I wanted
• throwing a tantrum because you did give me the plate/cup/silverware I wanted but now I see a different one and I want it
• arguing with you for half an hour about which shoes and jacket I am putting on
• running into the street cackling my head off the second you turn you back
• straightening and stiffening my body into an immovable log shape when you try to put me in my car seat
• either being silent and making you listen to kiddie music or letting you listen to your music while either screaming or asking questions nonstop
• Taking chocolate icing (we will pretend it's poop) and smearing it all over my body, bed, walls, and floor. And I will pick the day of the week that is most important for you to be on time for work.
• telling you which books I want for bedtime and then throwing a tantrum when you read me the books I requested
• making you be paranoid about getting more than two or three showers that week because you know I will start emptying all your nail polish bottles/eating toothpaste/digging my nails through all your makeup if you attempt to shower and watch me at the same time
• wiping my snot on your freshly dry cleaned clothes as you head out the door
• leaving wet spots on the floor and letting you guess if it's water or urine 
• leaving poop (or chocolate icing) on the floor where you won't find it for several days
• stuffing a half-eaten banana in between the couch cushions
• hiding your toothbrush/brush/other hygiene tool that you need the most that day (I will also pick the most important day of the week for this)
• hiding your keys in my toybox
• following you around the house while whining incessantly about nothing
• picking one question and asking you at least one hundred times that week
• wearing you down to the point that you use the TV as a babysitter, after you swore up and down that you would never be one of those horrible, lazy parents who use the TV as a babysitter
• hiding in the pantry and eating your favorite junk food
• standing in the bathroom enthusiastically emptying the soap dispenser on my body while you use the bathroom
• standing outside the bathroom door screaming as if I'm being murdered while you use the bathroom
• sneaking out the front door while you use the bathroom

Saipan Trip 2014, Part 2: The $5000 Picture

Four generations! Mika looks like she was adopted.

See, we are trying to do the whole Dave Ramsey thing, but the way I look at it is you can always pay off debt but you can't go back in time to see family. So even though we couldn't technically afford it, we went anyways. We went in April, I'm just really backlogged in my blogging. Here are some quick highlights of the trip:

It was my sister's 30th birthday! I think the day we got there? Not sure, it is SO confusing to travel this way because you cross so many time zones, including the International Date Line. Anyways, J decided to help with the candles.

This is Suicide Cliff, it makes me think of LOST. We went sight seeing on Saipan but not Tinian this time. If you have never heard of either island, they were a huge part of the WWII Pacific Theater. The Enola Gay and Bockscar took off from Tinian and dropped the atomic bombs on Japan. Here's some Wikipedia links if you're bored:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Saipan#World_War_II 

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tinian#World_War_II 

Jackson inside the Last Command Post, where the Japanese command held out.

Mika fell asleep grocery shopping at Joeten, so naturally my sister and I dressed her up in different costumes.

Mmmm...a heaping pile of spam fried rice at Shirley's. So Chamorro.

We went to Mañagaha, an islet that's a short boat ride away from Saipan. Here is J with some cousins.

My nephew was baptized; the four-generations pic at the top is from that day.

J and his cousins decorated cupcakes. My sister and I found J under the table eating a container of sprinkles.

We went to the Hyatt, where Paul and I stayed on our honeymoon. This Hyatt has beautiful gardens, fountains, birds, and a great beach. The Japanese tourists were really cracking me up because they were obsessed with Mika! I felt like I was the mom of a celebrity. Everywhere we went, Japanese people would ask to take pictures with  her. We were in a tourist trap and I even saw a Japanese couple following me, sneaking down the aisle next to mine and watching me until I looked like I wasn't busy, then pouncing on me for a picture. It was surreal. 

Would you like a Crunky? How bout a Coolish?

The trip back went pretty well. We actually WERE kicked out of the first Skyclub in Japan. But in such a Japanese way. The ladies at the front desk would come back to the meeting room and inform us so politely that the other Skyclub in the airport had a playroom. We took the hint after they informed us for the third time. 

Saipan Trip 2014, Part 1: Traveling International with Two Kids

Our flight itinerary was Denver - Salt Lake City - Seattle - Tokyo/Narita - Saipan and then the same thing in reverse on the way back. The start of the trip was awful. Paul was on a business trip so I had to get all the packing done for three people going on a two-week trip while having no child care help. I also had to suffer through getting a limo service since Paul wasn't there to drive us to the airport ;) But in all seriousness, I had two kids and a ton of baggage, so I didn't have a choice. It only cost about $75, which was fine since the airport in Denver is about 100 miles away from the city (not really, but anyone who has lived in Denver can affirm that it feels like it.) Plus the driver put the bags in the SUV (I was on the third floor of the apartment building), helped me get the kids in the car seats, and then helped me get the bags into the airport.

I don't really remember the first two flights, except I think the kids were pretty good, especially since on the DEN-SLC leg a really nice old man sat next to us and entertained Jackson. I had booked the flights on the phone with my mom and sister, so the Delta agent was able to have our flights meet in Seattle and then have us go the rest of the way together. The tenish-hour flight between Seattle and Narita was not as horrific as I was expecting it to be. My mom, sister, nephew, and Jackson were in bulkhead seats and then Mika and I were behind them. When we got to Narita, we commandeered the Delta Skyclub with tickets I got on Ebay for half price. It was $25 per person, with Mika and my nephew being free since they were under two. I didn't get a picture, but this Skyclub has a buffet and fully-stocked bar. Totally worth the money since we had a seven-hour layover. 

We took over a meeting room that is part of the Skyclub. I can't believe we didn't get kicked out, the kids were being really loud.

 Then...the Delta agent had put me and the kids in first class for both flights between Narita and Saipan! 

Real china, a cloth tablecloth and napkin, real silverware, real stemware, real FOOD and not that crap they serve in sardine class. I was giddy with excitement at my luck at being able to enjoy eating in first class with both kids asleep. I was savoring every second. I was thinking, "Hey! This isn't bad at all!" So naturally, the kids woke up right when I finished eating and screamed their heads off from the second the descent started and kept it up until we got the baggage claim. See, the thing about being a parent is that you can't EVER let happy thoughts about your kids' good behavior even form in your brain because if you start to think something good your child will immediately start misbehaving. It's called the Law of Kids Really Suck Sometimes. It's scientific, I looked it up.

Here is Mika angelically sleeping on a real pillow and a real comforter before The Reckoning.

I can't remember what time we got to Saipan. Total travel time was about 24 hours. My family met us at the airport and drove us home. It took...3 cars (?) to fit us and all of our crap.

Mika at 20 Months

Weight: 23ish pounds
Height: 31ish inches

New Words: jump, no, gick (cheese stick), bop/dop (stop), pink, blue, cracker, cheese, eye, nose, mouth, ear, head, car, off, nana (banana), water, coat rack, pee pee, stinky, mine, candy cane, juice, yes, hug, Nana (Natalie), apple, shopping cart, nurse (the verb not the noun), grandpa, helicopter, upside-down, duck, fish, purse, the end (when we finish books), strawberry, orange, yellow, sit, ah-nah (I'm done)

Some of my favorite things she says:

No, no, no! (with finger wagging)

Uh-uh! No, mine! (jerking away whatever Jackson is trying to take)

Stinky, stinky (with hand wafting away the smell)
Up high! Down low! (For high-fives)

• She tries to feed her baby dolls real food.
• She can stack up to 8 blocks.
• She discovered how to push chairs up to light switches and turn the lights on and off. Hundreds of times.
• She is turning into a little firecracker. She likes to talk and act just like her big brother. Which is not good for me because he is CRAZY. I think she'd stay pretty mellow if it wasn't for him. She yells at me now. MY ONE-YEAR-OLD YELLS AT ME. Ugh. She yells at me to sit down and to stop walking. It's so funny when she does it though, I can never get my "serious parent face" together and tell her that kids don't yell at adults.
• When I'm using the bathroom, she likes to get a square of toilet paper and pretend to sneeze into it and then wipe herself.